Schools out and summer is full mode....NOT. The alarm still buzzes at 630, the kids still groan when I pry their fingers from the sheets, the whinnying is awarding winning, and the fights put the WWE to shame. I in visioned a summer filled with laughing children, Pinterest parties and pool lots of pool time. My kids are 3 and 10 they need a summer.
I spent hours planning our relaxed summer of adventure, games and...who was I kidding.
When planning the summer for my kids I thought one camp per month was a great idea for my ten year old. Well let's all agree that was a great thought but when put to paper ..not as good. After much deliberation and many moans we agreed on 4 camps. Ok so one more no big deal. Camp one began the first week of summer. So week one I became mom the driver. Yes a carpool would have been helpful, that was an after thought. I pried everyone out of bed, which my children are sleepers, got everyone dresses and teeth brushed. Hair was optional and clothing well that's a later story. But if it fit, it worked. The battle of breakfast begins... The little one hates breakfast until it is on her brothers plate and begins battle one. She grabs, he grabs and it ends up on the floor with me re-making the meal. Score mom 0, children 1. Both children in the car with seat belts, battle 2...won. Mom 1, kids 1. I only note the win because it will probably be my only for the day. After a 30 minute drive to camp in 8 am traffic, we drop off and begin the race. The race- the time between drop off and pick up where completing one task is a victory. This task is usually taking my 3 to play with friends somewhere other than a house. Once inside said location my only goal is to do, see and wear her out to avoid battle 3, the exit. I am always amazed at other parents tactics in public. You have the ........
I realize I have 15 minutes to get the big one with a 30 minute drive and no prepared exit strategy. Battle 3 starts slowly, ok it's time to go, no. Let's get our shoes and say goodbye, no. Give hugs and high fives (in my overly nice voice), no. Give big hugs and lets go get brother, no. Come on (irritation in my voice is growing) NO IM NOT GOING.. At this point I hold my stare, firmly plant my feet and attempt to pick her up...and flailing begins, arms going, legs kicking, head banging. And we make it to the car. Mom 1, Kid 2, that's one for the kids. We made it out but not without a large scene. Battle 4 continues in the parking lot. She has increased the jerking, hitting and screams. I look like I'm trying to kidnap the child as she holds the side of the car and I use my whole body to force her in the car. Mom 1, kid 4, I'm sure someone is calling the police at this point. I bribe her with a snack. This is battle 5 and another win for the kid. Every item I offer her is yucky. When I run out of options she must look on her own to confirm I am in fact telling the truth. Yes handing a 3 year a box full of snacks, before lunch... Stupid is the only word to use here. Now I fly like a crazy person with full blown road rage to get the big one. Upon arrival he is no where to be found. No big deal call his phone... No answer. Stay calm, get little one out of car seat, find bag of pretzels dumped on floor, topped with water and a sprinkle of blueberries..ignore and enter location. And screaming returns for absolutely no reason. Carry screaming child through whole location until I spot the big one and wave for him to come on. Now mind you I am holding a screaming child, I'm pretty sure I left my car running, we are hungry and tired(even after the 12 snacks in the car) and annoyed. Big one looks at me and continues to play around with friends. Now a major choice in my sons future lies in my hands... Scream like a crazy person at him, while flaying my arms as little one lays on the ground screaming, embarrassing the crap out of him or calmly wait for him to complete his goofing off, offer to take him someone cool for lunch and watch his friends high five him and mention how cool his mom is......his fate is sealed. I do it... Scream like a crazy person! I quickly redeem myself with a cool place for lunch and not letting the baby lay on the floor screaming. Then I offer to take friends to lunch too. Battle 6.... Not even a battle I just ran head first into the opponent. Kid victory. Back to the car and the little one wore her self out screaming, so no battle round here. Lunch, to take or not to take an exhausted 3 year old and sweaty and stinky boy. Like any exhausted mother who has not gone to the grocery store, we stop. I'm not sure the weak hearted can handle our lunch adventure, read with caution. We enter a restaurant full of business people, ladies dressed in heels with no kids and couples sneaking a quick lunch date....I did not get the memo for no kid Mondays. . And we sit in the middle of the restaurant, because the cute little hostess has no children or any idea how annoying they can be to others when they left their own children at home with a babysitter for an hour of uninterrupted gossip and food. Ahh food. I quickly order food and drinks before fully seated or hearing the bubbly blondes name. And politely tell her we only have a short amount of time. Yes I realize 75% of these people are on a time crunch but I'm racing against the nap clock. This is the time frame where the little one gets sleepy and wants a nap but if missed... NO NAP. Now for 20 minutes of entertaining. We start with the coloring sheet provided by the restaurant. Said sheet is obviously to old for the 3 year, so she scribbles on one page and throws it to the floor. The big one is too old for the sheet and rolls his eyes. 15 seconds passed. Now on to books and toys in the bag, that takes 2 minutes tops. counting sugar is always fun for the little one and asking 20 questions to the big one about camp. Big one is annoyed with my persistence and little one has thrown all sugar under the table, 4 minutes have passed. Big one takes a book from little ones stack, little one screams, grabs it and throws it at her brother, hitting a last behind us. Quick apologies followed by the pity look from ladies friends. Spend 2 minutes quietly telling children to be kind to one another. Little one crawls under table to pick up sugar packets, finds French fry on floor tried to eat it, we all gag. Then she hits her head and screams. More potty looks followed by the annoyed face of men and a few laughs from sweet grandmas. 5 minutes pass, while trying to calm her. In a brief moment of escaped reality I imagine waking up taking a hot long shower and spending 30 minutes blow dying my hair and sliding my foot into a tall heel and having lunch with the girls.....Did I even put on deodorant today? The food reaches the table, and more screams of I DON'T WANT THIS. I DONT LIKE HER. Big one leans over his plate and shovels food into his mouth. Little one sits in my lap picking at her food. I have to peeeee, she yells for all to hear. Now a race to the potty, running pass people and dodging wait staff. We made it only to return to the table to see big one done and half standing off his chair. "I'm ready, can we go, I'm done." Not worth the battle, to go boxes it is. Cute blonde has disappeared or gone on break. After what feels like an eternity she appears, with out our check. I politely ask for a box and our check. Returning she forgot the box. The little is now using my as a playground, hanging from my arms, dancing around, jumping in my lap. We have lost the nap race. Boxes are filled, kids are in the car, and we head home. It's only 1230. I have t eaten, peed or showered and now realized i forgot deodorant. Mom 1/ kids 6.
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