So in 2010 the divorce rate was almost 40%. What in the world is wrong with so many people to get married or divorced or married then divorced. Lets spend 10,000 of thousands of dollars on a wedding, then 10,000 more on a divorce. What were the top reasons last year and can we change those for 2011?
Communication problems: Number 1 reason for divorce. You meet someone, you talk. You date someone you tell all your stories. You know the ones, your "high school and college war stories" The stories you tell over and over to your friends and laugh and laugh but they ARE NOT funny. Perfect communication, you tell, they listen, they tell, you listen. Then those stories become annoying and when you spouse opens their mouth, your whole body cringes. You hope they will dwindle after a while, so you go on and eventually get married. But the stories go on and on and on and on. So you cut them off before they can complete a sentence. Before long the stories are gone along with a part of them. Then you search for other subjects to talk about and realize you are incompatible. You realize you have never carried on a conversation without these stories as the center piece. Maybe you bottle things inside, I'm great at that. Then the bottle becomes so full you explode over dirty clothes in front of the shower door. Or if you are a great communicator, you forget to listen. I love to hear my own voice with a hint of someone else. But man if they get going and going, i wander off to day dream land and completely ignore the words coming out of their mouth. Then there is the last, worse most horrible issue in communication. The you said I don't like green beans but all I heard was you hate my cooking you would rather drink anti freeze. This is my favorite. So for 2011 lets smile and laugh along with those stories, keeping in mind we all have them and love our own stories.
Unhappiness: This is pretty vague. To whatever Dr studied divorce in 2010, you should know happiness comes from within. I don't think we should blame our unhappiness on our spouse. I don't think we can blame our spouse for our unhappiness. Where you happy when you meet? While you dated? While you were engaged? I bet you were, so you got married. Then very quickly the honeymoon phase came to a hault. He opened doors for you, she cooked every night. The sex was amazing. He flew you first class and she cuddled. Now she microwaves dinners, he moves in front of you to get inside from the rain, forget flying first class (it would just be nice to go somewhere) and cuddling.....I have to get up early. All things that are disappointing when gone, but not worthy of becoming unhappy. This all goes back to communication. If you are unhappy with a situation communicate about it. If we can not communicate with the one person we spend 90% of our time with, then we are unhappy. So lets get happy and communicate with our spouse. Start with doing things that make you happy, then things together that make you both happy. Bring back happiness together! Not a worthy reason for divorce, definitely a fixable problem.
Incompatible with spouse: This made number 3. However, I am just not sure how. At some point you were compatible. You meet feel in love and dreamed of the wedding day. What happens after the wedding for you to say "I'm not really feeling like we get along" . You buy a house and cant agree if the color yellow looks better than the tradition tan for the walls. I think this is hand in hand with communication and unhappiness. It just sounds better to say we were incompatible. Are there people out there who just settle for a person because it works and they want to get married, have a family, grow up? Then when it does not work because they truly do not get along, they say to hell with it we are incompatible. I have a girlfriend, who i give a really hard time about how picky she is, but in reality we should all be as picky. She is beautiful, smart and very independent. She dates men, but just will NOT settle for exactly what works for her or with her. In 2011 more people should choose to be picky.
emotional abuse: Once you meet a person, you spend all this time getting to know them. Learning what makes them happy and sad and mad. You have those deep heart to hearts at night, all cuddled up together, feeling like you could never be closer. In reality we are gathering ammunition. Whether you choose to believe it or not, we all use what we have learned about our spouse during those heated arguments. It does not necessarily have to be a story to throw like a grenade. My hubby knows it hurts my feelings to laugh at me when we argue. Every time he feels as though he is "losing" he starts laughing. Every time I get even more heated. We all take that one thing that we were told in the moment, that brought us close and us it as a weapon. For 2011 put down the weapons and try a new tactic. Love and respect your spouse. Show them you love them and respect all the "secrets" they have shared with you.
Financial problemstheres that communication issue again.
Sexual problems: What was once your favorite extracurricular activity with you spouse has become your worse nightmare. You pretend to be asleep, fake a headache, or work late, sneaking in after they are asleep. Well ladies if you choose to lock you man out, just expect they will revert back their college ways and I don't mean hanging out with the slutty sorority, maybe watching it. So when you get all annoyed and angry because all the nasty things you find, remember who locked them out. And men light a candle, give a back rub, run a bath ( for her not you to cram your ass in and make everyone uncomfortable) and those doors will remain open during business hours. Don't expect your spouse to know your in the mood and wait for the romance. Anyone can innate a mood. And DON'T expect Donna Reed to turn into Jenna Jameson after you get married. Sorry guys I could not think of two men other than Tommy Lee. Pretty sure few can measure up to him!Finally, Just accept you should cuddle afterwards. Damn I know its hard but "Just do it".
Spouse’s alcohol abuse: Start drinking with them, If you cant beat them join them! Or drive them around to avoid the DWI and more financial problems. Alcohol abuse is a serious issue and should not be taken as light as I choose to see it. Put down your glass of wine and find out what the problem is. My guess we are back at finical issues. They abuser feels it is there responsibility to provide but they are struggling. Then they choose to drink it away rather than communicate. If not financial, it just a communication issue. So keep communication open.
spouse’s infidelity: Your spouse SUCKS and rightfully deserves a divorce covering all legal cost for being a jackass. They should have communicated the sexual issues and we would be at reason number 8.
physical abuse: Again YOUR SPOUSE SUCKS GET A DIVORCE. Pay the legal cost, just get away from them. Forget the communication issues, financial problems, lack of sex, incompatible, just run.
After all 9 reasons, I stopped and realized divorce is caused by a lack of communication somewhere along the way. After so long of no communication, it turns into some other reason for divorce, which leads to another reason and another. Before long your laundry list of reasons for a divorce is so long you cant remember why you got married. And worse you have spent the last 6 months, 6 years, 10 years living separate lives. Where you grew and changed, they grew and changed and none of it was together. You are now two separate people with no common ground. And you find yourself in Mr Sleazy Mac Sleazy's office trying to take everything you can in hopes it makes you feel a little better for all the crap you endured over the last days, months or years. When in reality had you told them you hated holding doors open or cooking dinner to begin with. You just might have avoided the depression, the alcohol abuse and break down in your marriage. Maybe even those 6 months of lying about fiances and the angry associated within your self. In short there are reasons for divorce but cant we be a little more creative in our ways to eliminate them. I mean unhappiness, everyone is unhappy at some point in life, everyone goes through a finical mess and just because I have a glass or 4 of wine after a long day with them kids does not mean I need a divorce. If you can catch any issue in the began stages, I think you can eliminate reasons for divorce. So lets recap, Communication is key, stay happy within and make sure you are compatible with a person. Put down your weapons and make a budget. And find the reason you married the person you are with. Maybe, just maybe we can lower the divorce rate. Next blog just because MTV pays well for 16 and prego, does not mean get laid by the next Joe cool.
These are my personal views, I am not a Dr. But would accept payments if you feel i should be!
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